My Life, My Regrets and Drug Addiction – Part 1
I’ve been thinking about writing this for a long time.
I know most of you don’t know me very well at all. To write about my life and my family is going to be really hard for me. There’s pretty sad things and I don’t like to think about it much. I mean, it’s always in the back of my mind and of course, I deal with things, daily. But to write about it, is just hard.
I have 5 kids, the youngest being 15 now. It’s so hard to believe how old my kids are. My oldest is 40 years old! I was 18 when she was born. I’ll call her SJ. So right there starts my life as being difficult. I’ve been a mother my entire adult life. I got married when I found out I was pregnant. Needless to say it didn’t last over a year. He was a total jerk and never wanted to see his child. I did however, make sure he paid child support. Back then I got $15 a week!
She weighed 5 lbs. 8 oz.. I couldn’t believe how small she was. She wasn’t early or anything, just tiny. She was perfect! I took very good care of myself when I was pregnant.
Being so young, I wanted to go out and party and just have fun. I regret so much from when she was little. Just writing this brings tears to my eyes. I knew it would, that’s why I don’t write about my life. I have just always held it inside, though, so maybe it’s good to get it out.
I was very lucky to have my mom! She was always willing to take care of my little girl on the weekends. She always was a wonderful, supportive mother. My daughter loved her very much. She was an awesome grandma! She read to her and played with her all the time. Of course my little girl and I had some wonderful, loving times together, too. I loved her so much!
She has four kids now, that I miss more than I can say! (We moved from Ohio to Georgia) And a few months ago, we found out she had breast cancer! I thought I was going to just have a breakdown, not being there. She talked me into not coming and said I shouldn’t feel so bad, but I do. She got the tumor taken out and thank God, they said they got it all. She’s been through 3 chemo treatments, with one left. She tells me she’s not too sick because of the meds she takes for the side effects. However, she feels exhausted all the time. She still goes to work every day. An amazing person! I’m so thankful she has a best friend that lives right beside her. She’s been helping her a lot! Thank you L! I could go on and on about this one, but for now I’ll get to my next child.
When I was 28 I met my husband. We were together a little over a year before we got married. Then we had a son, J, he’s now 31! He lives so far from us now. We moved to Georgia 3 1/2 years ago. I thought sure he’d be moving here, but he hasn’t. I hate it! I miss him and my oldest daughter so so much! I do get pretty depressed some days over this stuff. Although I haven’t even got to the worst stuff yet.
I’ve had bad depression for years and I do take an anti-depression but still sometimes it all overwhelms me. My son, J is a wonderful person, he’s a hard worker and he’s doing great. Although he wants to go to college but can’t figure out a way to be able to. He’s still single and lives alone. Well, he has his furbaby. And I’m so glad he has her. She’s crazy about him too. Anyway, when he was little, I was sometimes a bit of a mess with depression and all. Some of his childhood wasn’t great. I have regrets for him too. I just can’t go into all of it, I’m sorry. I’d give anything to be able to go back and change that though. He deserved better. He and I were close, which was awesome! I just wish I could’ve been in a better place. I just can’t go into detail about his childhood because it crushes me. My stomach is just turning now and my eyes are getting teary. He turned out awesome so I guess we did something right.
About 4 years later I wanted to have another baby. I wanted a girl again. I got pregnant very easy, we had to be very careful, unless we were trying. So then I had my next baby girl. She was beautiful and sweet. One of the most compassionate children I had ever been around. She always thought of other people first. When she got excited she would do this little shaking thing with her hands. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen! And she got excited over a lot of things. This makes me smile to remember. Now her childhood wasn’t the greatest either. I’ll call her JM, all my kids start with a J, except for my first one.
Their dad and I both had some problems back then and we just weren’t great parents. I’d give anything to go back for all of them. I honestly don’t know how they turned out to be such wonderful people. Although they do have their problems. I blame myself for that because of their childhood.
Anyway, JM got to be a bit overweight and she was bullied in school because of it. It broke my heart every day something happened. As I think back probably more happened than I even knew about. We put her and J, my son in a private school. It was at the Trinity Christian School, where we went to church. You would think that would be a good place and kids wouldn’t get picked on but they did. Back then it wasn’t thought of as bullying, usually. It sure should have been! She ended up getting depressed over that and of course, her not so wonderful home-life and still suffers with depression today.
Every time she got picked on at school she would eat, ya know. Sometimes that’s how we push feelings down. So of course that didn’t help the situation. She’s still a very compassionate person. When she was 16 she had a job at Burger King, saved her money and bought us a brand new TV! She’s amazing! In her early 20’s she got into some drug problems. Her depression and loneliness just took over. She couldn’t take it anymore. She met some people that got her into heroin. I was never so scared in my life! Those few years were just horrific! So much happened, I just can’t go into all of it right now. Maybe another time. I’m sure you can imagine some though. She did go to re-hab 4 times. And now she’s not using.
This is getting too long, and I’m getting too upset. I’m going to end it here and write more later when I can. (Sorry) Thanks for stopping by and reading my first story. Do you have any regrets you wish you could go back and re-do?
momndaughters
Owner at Mom 'N Daughter Savings
I am a SAHM.My youngest is 16 now.I have 5 kids in all.We've lived in Georgia now for almost four years.We moved here from Ohio for my husband's job.I love blogging and writing about my passions.I do reviews and giveaways and I try to get homeless animals new homes.
My story is also here about loving addicts, recipes, and crafts.
My story is also here about loving addicts, recipes, and crafts.
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I have known you in the blogging circles for so long and always knew you to be so sweet. This is a very brave move to post this and I hope that it help you to get things off your chest. It helps people like me who are good and normal and trying to do our best, but have real life issues to deal with too. Secrets are powerful until we set them free. I admire your bravery and I respect you.
Jenny, Thank you for this comment. It makes me feel like I did the right thing. I just don’t want people to thing I’m this awful person. Thanks!
Jody, Thank you for having the strength and courage to share with us. I think we all have regrets. Most of us just aren’t as courageous as you to share your story.
Tammy, Thanks for saying this. It wasn’t easy that’s for sure. And I’m not really courageous.
I just wanted to say that it’s wonderful for you to share. I know it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there like that.
Thank you Kayla. It is hard! You sound understanding. thanks for stopping by!